Most people find themselves saying or doing things that they wish they had not done or do not align with their values. We may find ourselves in certain circumstance that are triggering or put us in bad moods. We find ourselves engaging in habits that we don’t like. We find ourselves becoming overly passive or aggressive with certain people and engage in behaviors that we don’t like. These behaviors often leave us baffled and frustrated while feeling powerless to change. Fortunately, we do not have to stay there. Often, the reason we engage in unhealthy patterns of behavior is because we are being influenced by unconscious thoughts and beliefs.
The Conscious Mind vs The Unconscious Mind
For our purposes, the conscious mind refers to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that we are aware of moment to moment. This might be this article you are reading right now, an awareness of the physical pain in your right toe, or recognizing feelings of frustration while you are stuck in traffic. If the conscious mind refers to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that we are actively aware of, the unconscious mind refers to what is going on internally that we are not actively aware of. For the purposes of this post, we will be using unconscious and subconscious interchangeably. At any given time, there are numerous mental processes that are happening internally and externally that we are not consciously aware of including thoughts, feelings, sensations, and actions.
Thoughts, feelings, sensations and actions can move in and out of our conscious mind at any given time. An example of this would be our breathing. As you are reading this article, you have hopefully been breathing in and out at a comfortable rate without noticing it. If you do turn you attention inward however you can change the rate at which you breath, the depth of the breath, or even whether or not you are breathing at all. This action is bringing your breathing out of the unconscious you’re your conscious awareness just by turning your attention to it. If move your attention away from your breath and back to this blog post your breathing will quickly transition back into your subconscious. This process can occur with bodily functions, emotions, activities, and thought patterns.
Why We Do What We Do
This brings us to why we do what we do. We have all had experiences where we make choices that we regret or don’t understand. I can tell myself that I am going to live a healthier lifestyle and still mysteriously find myself with a box of cookies in my hand late at night. I decide that I want to be more patient with my children and still notice an urge to raise my voice when they leave Legos all over the floor the hundredth time. You can likely identify your own behaviors that don’t line up with your values but you engage in anyway. These behaviors are heavily influenced by our emotions which are in turn influenced by our thoughts. This pattern is illustrated by the image below:
Generally speaking, our actions and behaviors are things that we are consciously aware of. This is especially true of actions and behaviors that we do not like about ourselves (although sometimes we may feel like we have very little control of them). We also usually have some level of conscious awareness of both our emotions and thoughts, though at times this is difficult to recognize in the moment and they remain in the subconscious. For most people this is where our awareness stops. However there is a powerful force that drives our actions, thoughts, and emotions: Our beliefs. Beliefs about ourself, others, and the world around us are forged and reinforced by experiences that we accumulate throughout our life. These beliefs are incredibly powerful and serve as filter for how we view ourselves and the world around us. This process is again illustrated in the image below:
A way to illustrate what is being discussed here is through a made-up story that I have often told clients that I work with.
The Story of Jerry
Let’s imagine there is a kid named Jerry. He is 6 years old and enjoys rollerblading on gravel. One day Jerry is rollerblading on gravel and he falls down and skins his knee. Upset and in pain, Jerry runs to his mother who comforts him, speaks soothingly, and puts a bandage on his knee. After a few minutes Jerry stops crying, forgets all about the incident, and likely goes off and starts rollerblading on gravel again.
This story may sound simple however there is a lot happening for Jerry internally. He is learning and reinforcing very important beliefs about himself and his world. Jerry is learning that he is really special and important because his mother would take time to care for him. He is learning that it is safe to take risks because people will be there to help him when he makes a mistake. He is learning that adults in general can be trusted. It is important to recognize that he is not actively thinking about any of this. He probably does not even have the language to articulate the beliefs described in the paragraph above. However, even though he does not have the language he is still creating a blueprint for how he will see the world: as a nurturing place where he is important, people can be trusted, and it is safe to take risks.
Now let’s change the story. Let’s say that Jerry falls down while rollerblading on gravel and can’t find mom. Or maybe mom was incapacitated because of her own mental health or addiction issues. Or maybe mom was having a rough day, had told Jerry a thousand times not to rollerblade on gravel, and chews him out. In any of these events Jerry is going to learn something very different about himself. He might walk away with the belief that he is a bad kid or that the world was unsafe. He might believe that it is dangerous to ask for help and that he needs to take care of himself. He might blame himself for his mother’s reaction and believe that he is bad. What is really important to recognize is that none of this is happening consciously for Jerry. Again, he likely doesn’t even have the language to articulate the beliefs listed above. These beliefs are being created and stored unconsciously and are becoming a filter through which Jerry sees the world.
How Painful Events Impact Our Beliefs
Jerry, like any individual, likely has had numerous positive and negative experiences throughout his life. Jerry may have skinned his knee one hundred times and his mom may have handled the situation perfectly on ninety-nine of them and then yelled at him one time. The incident that is always going to stand out is the one time that mom made the mistake and yelled at Jerry. The reason for this is that our brains are hardwired to prioritize the identification of threat. In fact, you have a part of your brain called an amygdala that is scanning the environment for threat as you are reading this article.
Our brains want to keep us safe. If a mistake is made, it is better for it to be on the side of safety. For example, it is a lot safer for our brain to mistake a stick for a snake then the other way around. If you mistake a stick for a snake you probably jump, run away, or engage in some other equally embarrassing behavior, and your friends or family laugh at you. If you mistake a snake for a stick, you’re dead. The same principal is true with other events. In the case of Jerry, he learned that asking for help is something that could be potentially hurtful. If the belief that he learned was “asking for help leads to rejection” his brain is going to be subconsciously scanning for situations where he might need to ask for help and avoid those situations. Similarly, if he learned that he was a “bad person” because he asked for help, he is going to actively be avoiding situations where he is going to be reminded of that.
As discussed above, Jerry’s beliefs will act as subconscious filters that influence patterns of behavior in his life into adulthood. If adult Jerry goes through life with the filter that he is a bad person when he needs help, he is going avoid situations where he feels vulnerable. He may try to avoid vulnerability by posturing or avoiding close relationships. He may my present as irritable or standoffish to avoid letting people get to close. When his painful belief is triggered, he may get angry or try to suppress his feelings with drugs, alcohol, or porn. He may overcompensate for these beliefs by unfairly putting his need for validation onto others or seeking validation in his professional or personal achievements. Jerry may be doing all of this with little or no awareness of the subconscious beliefs driving these behaviors.
How This Applies to Us
We all have Jerrys inside of us. If you are a human, who was raised by a human, around other humans you have experienced painful life events and have developed inaccurate and damaging beliefs about yourself and your world. There are several steps that we can take to address these painful beliefs.
1. Identify the belief: Are there behaviors that you engage in that you want to stop but have trouble doing so? If so, a question to ask yourself is “is there a Jerry inside of me?” Our brains usually are not just randomly doing things we don’t want them to do. There is a need (often an unconscious need) that we are tying to meet. A way to do this is to identify the problem you are dealing with, ask how you feel when you are engaging in the problem behavior, and then ask why do you feel that way. Go back and forth between asking yourself “how do I feel” and “why do I feel this way” until you get to a core belief (I am not good enough, I am unsafe, I am bad, etc.). Just engaging in this step can greatly increase your mindfulness and understanding of why you do the things that you do and feel the way that you feel.
2. Compassionately challenge the belief: Once you have identified the belief you can challenge it in the moment. For example, let’s say you notice an increase in your insecurity when your friend does something better than you. If the unhealthy belief that you have is “I am less valuable or worthless,” you can gently challenge that belief. What is important is that when you do challenge this belief it need to be both accurate and compassionate. You should not lie to yourself and say that you are better than them at a task if you are not. Likewise, you should not be overly harsh or critical with yourself. You could challenge the belief with something like “I am not very good at this yet. However, my ability to do ______ has very little to do with my value. I bring value and meaning to a lot of people in my life.” Taking the time to challenge these beliefs and engage in positive self-talk can be very helpful in reducing overwhelming emotions in the moment.
3. Consider talking to a therapist: Often it is not enough to compassionately challenge our beliefs. Many people have difficulty identifying what the beliefs are. Sometimes it is or it is too painful to look at our beliefs by ourself and we need more help. Other times we might challenge our belief but the words feel untrue or meaningless. When this occurs, it is important to reach out for help from a therapist. A therapist who is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or in Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be especially effective in working with unhelpful or outdated beliefs.
Conclusion
What we consciously and unconsciously believe about ourselves, our world, and others greatly influences what we do and how we feel on a day-to-day basis. Increasing our awareness of thoughts and beliefs associated with emotions that we have is incredibly important for increasing the control that we have over our behaviors. When we are aware of our beliefs, we can compassionately challenge them in the moment. When this feels difficult or impossible it may be time to reach out to a therapist for help. Over time, as we increase our awareness of our beliefs and where these beliefs originate, we can greatly increase feelings of joy, purpose and self-control in our life.