Introduction
There are few things more difficult in this world than having difficult conversations with people we love and disagree with. Whether the topic is about chore distribution, planning, or something more abstract like politics and spirituality, these conversations can be hard to navigate. This is especially true during high pressure times of the year around the holidays. The holidays often add stress and this can lead to an increase in conflict with loved ones particularly those in our own homes. This stress can bleed over into our professional lives and make it more difficult to resolve disagreements at work. This article contains the principles of conflict management as well as some practical steps that can be taken to guide difficult conversations.
Approach these Conversations with an Attitude of Compassionate Curiosity
It is crucial that difficult conversations be approached with an attitude of compassion and curiosity. For the purposes of this article curiosity is the genuine desire to want to know why someone thinks and believes the way that the do. Compassion can be defined as recognizing that a person is suffering (or at the very least believing something that is harmful or feeling uncomfortable) and wanting what is best for that person. Effective communication in these conversations depends on approaching them with curiosity and compassion. There are multiple reasons for this:
- Curiosity and compassion will shift the focus to connection. It is imperative that a deeper sense of connection be the goal of any discussion that involves conflict or disagreement. This cannot be overstated. The reason we are engaging in conflict cannot be to win the argument. Instead, the conflict must be approached because there is some issue or topic that is hurting the relationship with you or someone else. You may not feel understood. A loved one may believe something that you perceive to be harmful to themselves or others. There might be a behavior that is making it difficult to connect with someone in a deeper way. When you are operating from a place of curiosity and compassion you are communicating that you value the relationship and are worried about the impact that someone’s choices are having on this relationship.
- Our agenda influences our nonverbal communication. If your agenda is to win an argument there will be subtle and not-so-subtle cues in your body language and voice tone that communicate a message that is not conducive to healthy conversation. If your goal is to win an argument you are taking on a more defensive stance which will be evident in our voice tone, posture, gestures, and facial expressions. When we are engaged in this defensive mode the parts of our brain that are able to think logically, and connect with others begin to shut down. Likewise, the parts of our brain that deal with threat and danger are activated and it becomes harder to think clearly or articulate thoughts and feelings in a productive manner.
- Curiosity and compassion communicate safety. Think about a time when someone really wanted to hear your thoughts about something that was important to you. How did you respond? What were your thoughts about that individual? How did you feel as you spoke with them? What was the outcome of that conversation? My guess is that you left that conversation feeling understood and heard by that individual and that you had generally positive thoughts about them. You also were probably much more likely to value their opinion and what they had to say. Curiosity and compassion bring down defenses and improve your relationship with others. This in turn creates a foundation that makes it safe for divergent viewpoint to be heard. When it is communicated that someone is loved and understood it is much less likely that they will be defensive.
Make Sure that You Can Articulate the Other Person’s View Before You Comment on It
It is really hard to see things from other people’s perspectives. When we hear something that sounds irrational or foreign to us, we are naturally hardwired to interpret this as something that is threatening. When we look for threats in others’ viewpoints, it can lead to a negative feedback loop of unhelpful and even hostile communication. Instead, we want to look at this as an opportunity to look at a problem from a different perspective. Unfortunately, when we don’t understand where someone one is coming from it is usually because there are missing pieces of information that we do not have. Humans have a tendency to fill in the blanks with something threatening (for an article on why our brains tend to err on the side of threat click here).
How to Have a Productive Conversation with Someone You Disagree With
A few years ago, I was having conflict with a person I was very close to. I reached out to a dear friend to get advice about how to approach my conflict with this individual. He gave me some advice that became the steps to this article. Since then, I have applied these steps in my own relationships and have found them to be a helpful framework for navigating conflict. I have also used these steps to help the clients in my practice navigate their own conflict with friends and loved ones. While the steps below are not easy, they are effective for engaging in conflict in a way that maximizes the opportunity to create more connection while minimizing the potential for harming the relationship further.
- Listen to the other person’s point of view. This is the most important and hardest step. When the person who has an opinion that you disagree with is speaking, make eye contact and listen intently to what they have to say. Do not think about what you are going to say or your next counter argument. You may ask clarifying questions at this point but be careful that you do not ask unfair or misleading questions that are actually attacking their argument. The goal of this step is to really understand where this person is coming from. Try to drop all preconceived notions or any thoughts of hostility and instead get really curious about why they think the way that they do.
- Repeat back what you heard them say in your own words. Repeating back what you have heard them say lets them know that you are both on the same page. It is very common that people have a disagreement because they are both operating with different definitions of key terms in the argument or because one person has misunderstood what the other has said. Sometimes during this step, you may find that you don’t actually disagree at all and are just using different words to talk about the same issue, problem, or solution. Summarizing what you heard them say in your own words both helps you understand their argument and will help the person you have a disagreement with feel validated and understood.
- Ask if you have understood their point of view correctly. This allows the other person to confirm that you both have the same understanding of what was said. Sometimes when you ask this question you will be told that you misunderstood them. Don’t get discouraged if this is the case. Communication is hard! Just go back to step one and listen intently as they clarify what you misunderstood. This also prevents you from creating a strawman argument (an argument where you exaggerate the flaws of someone’s point of view while ignoring the strengths).
- Repeat these steps until you can articulate their viewpoint in a way that they agree with. It is extremely important that you do not move on until you are both on the same page about what is being talked about. It is completely unproductive to argue or debate with someone when you are not both talking about the same thing. Likewise, it is completely unproductive to debate a strawman argument. This will leave the other person feeling frustrated and unheard and will damage the relationship in the long run.
- Validate the other person’s viewpoint. When you validate the other person’s point of view, they will feel understood and respected. Validation indicates that it is safe for the other person to bring down their defenses because you are listening to their thoughts with an open mind. This does NOT mean that you agree with what they are saying. Instead, this is you saying that you can see where they are coming from with the information that they have. To validate someone’s feelings you can say things like “I can see why you think____” or “It makes sense that you believe____.” Whatever you say needs to be genuine. Again, you are not agreeing with their viewpoint, you are articulating that you can see where they are coming from. If you are unable to do that then you likely need to return to step 1 and listen carefully as they clarify what you misunderstood.
- Ask if you can share your thoughts on the topic of conversation. If you have gone through all of these steps, the person you are talking to should feel much less defensive and feel like you not only want to understand them but are really seeing where they are coming from. Now is the time to offer a counter point to their views. This should be done by initially asking if it would be okay to share your thoughts on what has been discussed. If you have completed all five of the steps listed above it is very likely that they are open to hearing your point of view.
- Repeat these steps until you have a resolution. The amount of time it takes to resolve conflict can vary. You may only need to go through these steps once or you may have to repeat these steps numerous times before you get a resolution. It may take only a minute or two to get through these steps or you could be having multiple meetings where you are going through these steps with someone before you feel like the conflict is resolved. You may need to pause the conversation and take breaks for an hour or two or days and weeks. The important thing is to stick with it until both you and the person you are talking to feel heard and understood.
Other Considerations
- These steps may not always lead to agreement. Again, the goal must be understanding the other person and improving the relationship. This does not always include winning the argument. You may fully understand someone and disagree with them. The goal is to be able to communicate thoughts and feelings in a way that deepens the relationship and allows you and the other person to compromise or come to an understanding.
- While the steps discussed here work with anyone, they are particularly effective with people we are close to (family, partner, close friends). These steps can be implemented with co-workers, acquaintances, and even strangers with great results. Everyone benefits from another person compassionately listening and trying to understand them. The greatest long-term benefits will be seen with those we are closest to, however. Following these steps creates and builds on a firm foundation of trust and respect for each person and their unique perspective. This will lead to a deepening of relationships and a broadening of perspectives from all parties.
- It is best to implement these steps in a one-on-one setting. While these steps can be implemented in a group it becomes significantly more challenging. Egos are more likely to get involved, and there is often more pressure to save face. The difficulty of each person being understood before opinions are given grows exponentially with each individual added to the conversation. Group dynamics can make individuals feel ganged up on, especially if there is a majority of the group has a different opinion. For these reasons it is best to have these conversations one-on-one whenever possible.
- Both parties need to desire reconciliation. We all have met people who just want to argue for arguments sake. These conversations can be both hurtful and frustrating. For this reason, it is often better to avoid getting into a conflict with these individuals and instead focus on building the relationship and understanding them. It is also important not to assume that the person you in conflict with is one of these individuals. It can be difficult to differentiate between someone who is arguing for arguments sake and someone who is genuinely trying to understand you and to be understood. Because of this it is often better to go into a discussion in good faith and then agree to disagree if the person seems unwilling to hear your viewpoint after you have reiterated and validated their view.
- Sometimes you may need help to resolve conflict from an unbiased third party. Resolving conflict is hard. Sometimes you may not be able to resolve conflict in such a way that both you and the other person feel understood. When this happens, it is often wise to bring in an unbiased third party. This could be a respected family member, a spiritual leader (priest, minister, pastor, etc.), mutual friend, or a community leader. This could even be a licensed therapist (this can be especially helpful with a partner or close family member). While no one is truly unbiased, it can be helpful to bring in someone with more perspective who is less emotionally involved.
Conclusion
To navigate difficult conversations, we need to be patient, compassionate and demonstrate a commitment to understanding rather than winning the argument. When we approach conversations with empathy and curiosity we can turn conflict into an opportunity for deeper connection. As we listen intently to others, validate differing perspectives, and maintain a calm and open mindset we are building stronger, more vibrant, and more fulfilling relationships. Though these conversations can be challenging implementing these techniques and principles will lead to healthier and more wholesome interactions in our personal and professional lives.